Weight watching 101.

So today was weigh-in for my fourth week on Weight Watchers. Ai yi yi. I gained a pound.

But in the defense of the 1lb…I did eat a lot of bad things over the last week. One of our great friends was in town and she happens to be a big fan of food and drink. So there was lots of food and drink had in the name of good friends and fun. And guess what…it was worth it. Oh and there was also a little bit of “house for sale” drama in the mix.

So dear 1lb you can thank me for the pizza, cookie, cupcake, fish tacos, 1/2 Republic burger (oh my) and other things that I’ve blocked out. So I’m walking away from this weigh-in, weighing exactly what I weighed after week 1. But I’m going to embrace. Because 5lbs is 5lbs, right?

I have been pondering this diet/healthy eating business a lot though. And I’m happy to say that it is definitely easier this go around. I think for the most part I eat a lot healthier now than I did five years ago (the first time I did WW). So much healthier. But there’s still this issue with sugar. And how I love it. There’s also my inability to deprive myself. It pains me to not eat tasty things that are in front of me. AKA the sugar cookies that I ate on Monday, that I left off my above list. I almost feel ill, or guilty, or unhappy, and I’ve been pondering what the origination of that emotion is. Haven’t completely worked it out in my head but I think it has something to do with my lovely grandma Freda and how I have such wonderful food memories/associations with her and my childhood. I think her food, or food with her possibly communicated love to me. Or has that association. And maybe not eating, or being able to eat it makes me feel rejected or unloved. Almost like shame. This sounds totally wacky. And I’m really just typing out loud here, sorry I should have warned you.

I always suspected the shame was associated with wanting to eat bad things. That I was bad for wanting it. But I think that’s not quite the reason. Hmmm. Going to have to ponder this a bit more.

In the meantime, it was a good day. Work was annoying but when is it not. I ran. I ate well. I cleaned my bathtub. And I got some of my never-ending thoughts out of my ever-thinking head. Thanks blog.

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A favorite.

We watch the Grammys every year. They are like a car crash of questionable music and talent that I can’t stop watching. Last night was not disappointing, between Cee Lo Green and Bob Dylan, I was pretty speechless.

But I love Muse and Mumford and Sons so it was worth it.

While enjoying the pop culture spectacle I remembered my favorite Grammy performance ever. Ever. And the band nerds win.

And in case you care, one of my favorite bands as of late. So amazing live.

As you would expect, I’ve been thinking lots about roller derby and the avoidance of cookies. But I’m going to save that for another day because it’s the big V-day, there’s lovely music in my world and my couch is soft and fluffy.

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Had an offer. Lost an offer.

Got an offer on the house today and by 9pm it was gone. Ahhhhhhhhh! Long story but something about the patio.

And I ate a hot fudge sundae.

Not the best day.

Here’s to a happenin’ Monday.

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Yes I stole it from Dooce.

But seriously folks this is such an interesting documentary/video/website/interactive story, I just had too copy it. Not only is the content fascinating to me but the format in which it is presented makes me ponder where we are going in our presentation of information. Good stuff.

Happy weekending friends.

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Just what I needed.

This is fantastic.

 

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Oh that’s what my counselor meant.

I’m just sitting here going over and over this last post and my events of the day. And I remembered something my last counselor accused me of. Over intellectualizing my emotions. Trying to avoid the feeling of an emotion by logically finding a way to not feel it. And thus there’s roller derby. I failed my test. I don’t like failing at things. It’s uncomfortable and in a highly dysfunctional way makes me feel like a bad person (ie. I am not good enough). My way to make it okay in my mind is to downplay this discomfort and make the issue about not caring about derby. Both are true feelings but one can’t get rid of the other. I must deal with the emotion.

I failed at something. And it kills me every time regardless of its importance. I must learn to accept it, sit with the emotion and let it be mine. Hiding from myself never really works out anyway.

And in our next session…how your childhood totally screws you up.

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it’s rough living in my head. really.

So roller derby. I don’t know. My co-worker asked me if I would be interested, and being somewhat of an experience collector, I said sure. Did I really think it was a long term deal? No. Never. I’m a wuss. I don’t like people being mean to me. And I’m in the process of escaping my current life. Whatever.

So I just thought I would go for fun. Workout some. Re-learn my mad skating skills. Spend some time with a friend. And be done with it.

And that’s been the plan all along. Never was it serious or seemed like a good idea for me.

So why in the world did today bother me so much? On Monday night we took a minimum skills test which basically happens at the end of our beginners intro course. If you pass the test, you move onto more serious practices. If not, you stay in the beginners course. I sort of prepared. Didn’t really take it too seriously but thought I did okay. Turns out I failed. I kicked ass in some things but others I was not so great. Either way I thought I would pass. But I didn’t. And my lovely friend did. You know the one who got me into this mess.

But seriously it totally weirded me out failing. Meaning I’ve been beating myself up all day. Thinking people see me as a total failure. And it’s so stupid. BECAUSE I DON’T CARE ABOUT DOING ROLLER DERBY. I’m actually quite relieved that I can stop going to their torch-er like practices and worrying about breaking a limb. Or how was really going to take a hit from big Suzy.

But I failed.

So now my friend is moving onto the big girl class and I don’t know what I’m doing. Do I want to keep going to these hard core practices? I’ve bought equipment. Or just bail out and tell her my days are over? And then I worry that it will just reiterate my failing/quitting. Ugh.

But really I do have other things on my plate. Selling my house. Relocating to another state. Grad school. Running a 5k (which I somehow committed to last weekend).

Ugh. Why do I have to be such a doof?

So there. I’m over today and my stupid over-thinking worries. Oh and snow too.

And for a weight update.  I lost .8 lbs this week which was at first a disappointment but then I realized that I’ve lost 6 lbs in  three weeks which is just about right. At least a good conservative average.

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Holy mother of snow.

So this week has been abnormal for a couple of reasons.

1) There were layoffs at work on Monday. Layoffs at a time when other architecture firms are hiring. It’s bizarre and makes me question the bosses more than I already do. Oh wait I haven’t trusted them for quite some time. And if operation get out of OK wasn’t in full effect I would be considering options. But really how does one market  a group of people effectively when you don’t trust them or the job they are doing.

It’s just been a sad, and emotionally charged week.

But on a good/horrible note. #2 occurred.

2) SNOW DAY! So much snow. So cold. So little snow removal equipment. And a huge lack of turkey meat.

All I wanted yesterday was a cheeseburger but I’m on stupid WW and coming up with an affordable cheeseburger (nutritionally that is) out and about is virtually impossible. And thanks to the snow not even available on NW Expressway (um um Sonic) and driving across town seemed like a good chance for me to get stranded. So we ventured to Homeland to buy supplies and it seems the weather freak out people of OKC are hoarding all the ground turkey. So in a desperate attempt to get a burger I bought BEEF. (Note: this is totally turning into a pointless rant. Just be warned). And if you know me you know I don’t eat much beef for many reasons but one of them being the movie Food, Inc. And I never buy it in the store. EVER. But I was desperate and had cabin fever so I bought it and cooked it against all of my better judgment.  It was average. Sort of made my tummy ache.

And it didn’t help that right after I ate said burger, I watched an Oprah episode that highlighted a beef processing plant and had Michael Pollan as a guest. Michael Pollan my food conscience.

For some reason the response I had to this burger/event isn’t really coming out in words. But I think my days of randomly eating beef without a clear idea of its origin are numbered.

Except for I still have a hankering for a good burger. And the Republic burger at Republic is calling my name. Do you think they would tell me where it comes from? I guess there’s always Irma’s. I digress.

But oh those crappin points controlling my every bite.

And guess how much I lost at weigh-in today. Nothing. Nada. I’m the same stupid weight.

So yeah it’s been a long, cold and hungry week.  But there’s more snow coming next week. Yay for snow days!

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False alarm.

So as a first time home seller I fell for the first offer. I fell into a pile of panic for absolutely no reason. Turns our the potential buyer had no financing, and can’t get any. So back to cleaning all the time…which might make me the saddest of all.

But in the meantime we have an Oklahoma blizzard. Which means it’s a lot of snow that shuts everything down but fails miserably as a blizzard compared to everyone north of Kanas.

So we are hanging out at home and watching the chaos ensue. Good times.

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